too soon

fuck. it's back...it's back too soon this time. Where's that high again? I fucking need it now. I can't survive without it. This feeling's so hard to push away, it's come back too soon. Soon before its due. it's taking over my life and I can't control it. I'm trying my best but It's affecting friends and school and family. What am I going to do? What will I do when that high doesnt come anymore?

I need it pure, I need it now. this feeling's come back too soon again. Help me out of this. I'm stuck- I need to get out. I cant fucking handle it anymore.

LIVE OR DIE? I CHOOSE TO DIE. BREAK DOWN AND CRY. I CHOOSE TO DIE. 

But i cant. i cant fucking cry. i cant. the feeling wells up in my throat and chest, but no tears come out. its so frustrating. it gets worse everytime- I need help. I need fucking help. Please help me... take me away. please just help me........................BUT WHENEVER PEOPLE TALK TO ME IN PERSON i smile. its incredible. I smile, I answer, I laugh and hug.

this fucking hell hole. these fucking feelings. theyve come back a week too soon.

and here we go. tears . finally youre here.

Ho ho ho!

so im feeling a lot better now. is this bipolar shit or what??? im either really happy and nothing can get me down or so fucked up. like on saturday, panadols+asprin - numb as fuck. i was lying down on the floor. but even before i took them i felt so NUMB....i still do. Like i cant cry. no matter what i cannot fucking cry. and i just NEED to. i need to get it out but i cant. its weird.

everyones happy these days. things can get me down easily though. but its alright

im trying not to eat lunch this week to save up more money for the weekend hmmmm, failed so far. haha im such a pig. I'd like a cigarette.. yep. does anyone want to donate??

gah SO much for joining service clubs...haha. is it too late to re-join now??

this guy Dan, from UWC added me on myspace. he seems pretty nice/funny/cute.

hehe i bought jessica simpson and paris hilton's cds on Sunday. talk about temporary insanity. but thats alright. hahah "i did the most shameful thing...i bought paris hiltons cd" "......its ok i have it too." hahahaha grace. oh my... secrets out. yes, we dont hate paris hilton. SHit.

hmm also bought new clothes/shoes.... and Just My Luck. Lindsay lohans movie. so.. i imght just watch that tonight when i cant sleep

gna go now xxxx mwa. love

truth is i doubt ill make it to 25

i feel worse everyday. i'll have my good moments...when im with ppl that dont jugdge. other than that i feel terrible. i feel awful. i hate myself. i hate other ppl. i hate how things come and go. it hurts too much. life hurts too much...physically, mentally. good thing its friday tomorrow....

painkillers again. thats the only way to go. im nearly failing chemistry and geometry. fucking great. ruins what i wanted to do for my future.... hopeuflly i'll catch up soon.

what would you give up for your future? How far would you go.

fuck it i just want to get tomorrow over with.

ashamed

I've been feeling like shit these past couple days. Low self esteem and all. I feel awfully fat...especially in my school of anorexic bitches who happen to be anorexic AND pretty too. The pressure. And I don't like smiling because of my braces, but thank god I get them off next week. Next week! So soon... wish it could be sooner. But I think after they're off, nothing's going to change. Maybe I'll feel better about myself for a few days but that's it really. I hate seeing the numbers on my scale go up, I hate looking into my mirror and feeling HIDEOUS.

I hate feeling unwanted, and unloved. I hate TOLERATING myself. I annoy myself and I wonder why can't I be like them???

I found my old xangas again, one of them, I sound terribly emo. And the other one I'm just happy/normal. but it's so nice to look back and read things I don't remember. Strange thing is at the time, you think you're going to remember everything. 4 years ago when I had my first big cry, I thought I'd have that sadness lingering with me the rest of my life. I barely remember it now, as I make way for new sadnesses and new lives.

There's something wrong with me. I hate how I can't wear jeans, I hate how fat my legs are, I hate how I can't wear fitting tops because my fat will bulge out, I hate my eyes, I hate my nose, I hate my ears, I hate my lips, I hate my hair, I hate my voice and I hate the way I act. It's not how I want to act, I act the way I do because I'm so unhappy and unsatisfied with myself. I hate how people judge me and I hate how I can't be like the supermodel gorgeous girl that everyone loves only for her looks.

I'm ugly and I fucking hate it. I'm ashamed of myself , I'm ashamed of everything.

I'm not posting this to look for your sympathy, I'm not posting this to show the world how shit I feel. I'm posting this to remind myself of hopefully 3 more years later of "how I used to be".

school starts monday

sshite, tomorows orientation. grrr i gotta buy binders and notebooks and shit. boring boring boring.

i had to stay home today- whilst my brother is out on boat quay right now with my money. and last night i did not get drunk but i did take care of silly Tara for a while when she was looking for Lennie. and i listened to lovely bredas music. quite a few ppl were at chips earlier that night. mmm and leo freaked out when he thought undercover cops were outside Chips- but when i asked someone bout it that was there after they said nothing happened. ooo and leo has ryans phone hahahah.  Shit!!!! CHRIS BOUGHT THE BAYSIDE T-SHIRT THAT I WANTED TO BUY. :( :( :(. that silly boy. whatever i'll just get another one.

kirstie and chris are back together-but i cant really be fucked to care. i just dont understand why i have to give a shit when its not like im there best friend or whatever. im happy for them , i guess. oh well. i guess chris is just chris- and means nothing to me. im just numb on that subject now and i dont mind it.

umm 2 nights ago i think, ya. i met up with Angel and we went to just chill at Chambers. Had some Vodka redbull and smokes. A few other ppl were there.. martis came to sit with us for like a second than he had to go. Max was there hahah angel, hes sexy isnt he. HAha. yeh than we went to sahara- a bunch of ppl came after and i dont want to be bothered to name them. we kept going from sahara to Bumblebeez hahaha the manager likes angel i think :P.

NIthi is a bouncer at bumblebeez so that was pretty cool. Tara, praveen, Lennie, ALvin hahaha, ronnie, lee, ahhh quite a few other ppl. mmm i got a little toooo drunk- and was like talking randomly to ronnie for a sec- my god embarassing but haha. lee danced to hip hop- that i will never forget! and wont stop mentioning as now it is one of the stories i'll tell ppl i meet haha. <3333 nah.

my my my. hopefully i can go out tomorrow after orientation! :) that'd make my day. Last visit to chips before prison. sigh. and it'l be cookies birthday. hmmmm :].

hahaha hopefully ppl will be out early- and that andy will be there!! hahahah hes such a funy drunkard. and such a dork. he's like a mini seth cohen, its adorable.

xx night night sweetpeas.